Introduction to the Chaste Life

JMJ

These pages contains much of what has helped me remain chaste 1,300+ days after two decades obsessed with sexual sin, as a single man after God’s heart.

I hope some of it helps you.

Foundations

Approaches

Prayers

Responses

I Cannot Do This!
I Keep Relapsing!
I Lost My Longest Streak!
I Am Beyond Saving!
Withdrawal Is a Nightmare!
A Chaste Life Is Not Worth Living!
Chastity Is Not Healthy!
Relapse Is Inevitable!
My Life Could Have Been So Much Better!
I Have Tried Everything!

Resources

Covenant Eyes: Break the Cycle

Responses

1) I Cannot Do This!

Doing this for yourself will be a torturous, painful struggle because you are not worthy of such sacrifice. And doing this to follow rules is as hollow as pharisees’ cold, unloving loyalty.

But doing this for the greater glory of God, surrendering this in love to Christ, and living a saintly life of passionate mercy and service will not only be a way that gives you life, but The Way that grants you a beautiful and also inspires others and fills them with hope, faith, and love for God.

2) I Keep Relapsing!

Every stretch of chastity is better than any moment acting out sexually, and every length of chastity exercises and stretches your willingness to surrender to God’s will.

Imagine you are on a road trip from Boston to Los Angeles and your car breaks down in St. Louis. You don’t need to take the first flight back to Boston. Complete your repairs where you are, strive to remove obstacles along the remainder of your journey, and continue forward on your path to the true city of angels in Heaven.

3) I Lost My Longest Streak!

I wonder sometimes, worry sometimes, regrettably fantasize sometimes about slipping back. For me the day count and pressure from like-minded friends and acquaintances help in some very helpful ways, but other times it feels like I’m boiling in a pressure cooker – especially approaching milestones. Writing this, I’m approaching 1000 days … and cool, 1000 days, thank you Lord for 1000 days, girl I’m interested in, I’ve got 1000 days, bros, I’m at 1000 days … But also, the imagined pressure …

God doesn’t care about streaks so much as my heart and my choices in this present moment. A girl doesn’t necessarily hear 1000 days so much as she may hear the possibility of my relapsing or the red flag that I had a problem to begin with. The friends and acquaintances are often more resentful of the day count than supportive (though some do find it reassuring for their own potential recovery). It is cool to have a big day count, but is it the end-all-be-all of who I am to God, myself, and others?

And what comes after 1000? 3 years, 4 years, …, etc? Better to be a peace in gratitude with God regardless of how many days while seeking to understand and cooperate with his will out of love for him rather than fall apart if I slip at 999 days or 1018 days or remain chaste the rest of my life.

In Defense of the Day Count

Oftentimes self-centered folks see day counting as evil because it exposes their weakness. They obsess about their day count to their own detriment or pretend to ignore it through cognitive dissonance.

God-centered folks are more likely to view their day count as a gift from God, completely independent of their own will. After all, our willpower screams “Give up and act out. It feels so good.” God is the voice encouraging us and empowering us to choose his will.

Day count can also be fun motivator personally and more importantly an inspiration to others. It offers proof to newcomers that recovery is possible.

4) I Am Beyond Saving!

You are never beyond God’s saving grace. Your sinning cannot outrun God’s love. Repent at any time and you will find God standing behind you with open arms ready to embrace you.

God promises us trials and tribulations along our journey. He knows we are imperfect and sinful. He loves us anyway. He created us knowing our frailty. He sustains us knowing we nail him to the cross daily. He loves us and asks that that we keep returning to his loving embrace each time we fall.

I didn’t stop until ~33 after a lifetime of depravity and sin both with alone with myself and with countless others. I am now chaste today as a single guy discerning God’s purpose for my life.

It is absolutely possible to repent of sexual sin – it’s even simple – it just isn’t easy.

The Merton Prayer

Have faith that your desire to please God does in fact please him. You are not alone or abandoned, a failure or total loss. You are not without hope. The candle of hope always remains lit whether we open our eyes to its light or not.

Focus your attention on remembering God’s infinite grace, his willingness to forgive as far as the east is from the west, and that he sustains you for a purpose.

My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Amen

– Thomas Merton

Credit

5) Withdrawal Is a Nightmare!

I was in peak withdrawal for a week and had night after night of increasingly distressing nightmares culminating in the final night when I was mercilessly attacked by a Somali Pirate hell-bent on savagely murdering me. The next day? – I was perfectly fine, but I can still remember the taste of the attacker’s hand as he grabbed my teeth in the fight for my life.

Being chaste is worth temporary withdrawal, physical discomforts, and even being savagely murdered.

6) A Chaste Life Is Not Worth Living!

After two decades of descending into the abyss of sexual sin and experiencing chronic suicidal ideation, I am 1000x times happier, more joyful, and more free as a single man chaste for years than I ever was wracking up a sexual ‘body count’ or trying to find love in all the wrong ways.

Surrendering to Christ, practicing chastity, avoiding sin, and avoiding the near occasion of sin did not cause suicidal ideation – this solved it.

God’s not holding out on us. When he says, “Jump!”, it is better that we jump. And when he says, “Don’t jump!”, it is better that we don’t jump.

He knows how everything works. He’s the perfect designer, programmer, the architect, etc. and he’s giving us exactly what we need to succeed.

“Sexual sin is my only source of dopamine!”

Don’t believe and also challenge the lies the enemy whispers them into your ears. For example, porn and edging/masturbation are not literally anyone’s only sources of dopamine. That is literally a false statement. The enemy wants you to believe that and similar untrue statements. While these may be unfortunately overwhelming sources of dopamine for you, they are not your only ones at present, and they are not the only ones you can rely on now and in the future. Challenge falsehoods to move on to joy.

7) Chastity Is Not Healthy!

“Masturbation prevents prostate cancer.”

The claim is wishful ‘science’. The fringe benefits of masturbation are vastly outnumbered by other habits that are also much more effective for overall health improvement. Those other habits aren’t as ‘fun’ though so media focuses on the fractional improvement with masturbation while some studies show no improvement with masturbation.

They also don’t take into account the moral, psychological, sociological, or familial implications of masturbation.

Long story short: Don’t fool yourself. Masturbation is a huge net loss.

Or to put it another way: God’s not trying to execute you with chastity.

“If you don’t use it, you lose it.”

Pornography-induced erectile dysfunction is well-documented problem, so weigh the value of this children’s rhyme against the testimony of adult men who cannot perform with their wives because they’re trapped in addictive cycles of pornography and masturbation.

Also check in on the men whose wives divorce them because they’re addicted to pornography and masturbation and/or the men who couldn’t contain their sinfulness and destroyed their marriages with affairs and prostitutes.

8) Relapse Is Inevitable!

It is important to be clear that lust and healthy sexual attraction are not equal. Lust is a sin and God calls us to flee from this sin, but he also blesses marriage and procreation.

Three I times I begged the Lord about this [sin], that it should leave me; but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

– 2 Corinthians 12:8-9

So what is the difference between lust and healthy sexual attraction? In simple terms:

Lustful sexual attraction tends toward overwhelming, compulsive, objectifying, selfish, temporary, thrill-seeking, shocking, immediate gratification, disposal, etc.

Healthy sexual attraction tends toward appreciation of the other’s natural beauty, caring consideration of feelings, capable of being controlled, recognizing the humanity of the other, recognizing God’s divine spark in the other, recognizing the whole person before you, long-term intentions, wanting the best for the other, respect, desire to listen and learn, more than sexual, delayed gratification, etc.

A one night stand is easily lustful, whereas a 45-year marriage is more likely rooted in healthy sexual attraction.

9) My Life Could Have Been So Much Better!

Yes. And it’s painful to imagine what my life could have been like without coping for years with sexual sin, but recognizing that pain also means I can appreciate how much it plays into the enemy’s hands. God doesn’t want me agonizing about a past that could have been, so I try to accept the past and focus on my relationship with God in this present moment.

10) I Have Tried Everything!

It is natural to feel exasperated, exhausted, directionless, and hopeless along this journey, but we most assuredly have not tried everything – and of all the strategies we have tried, there are some we did not attempt with sufficient time, energy, resources, or attention.

Please jump back up to Responsible Self-Care for tons of practical options and peruse the all the spiritual strategies at the top as well. These are merely the tip of the iceberg – limited to one man’s experience in one corner of the world.

God’s not holding out on you. He wants you to live life in abundance. Explore the healing elixirs, spiritual salves, and enriching treasures his creation has to offer.

Resources

1) Covenant Eyes: Break the Cycle

Covenant Eyes does more than simply block websites. “With Covenant Eyes, you choose someone you know and trust to walk with you as your ally and hold you accountable for your online behavior.” This “accountability brings you out of isolation, helping you live a life of transparency and integrity by sharing your struggles with a safe and trusted friend.”

It’s the only web blocker I’ve ever been satisfied with and the only one I recommend. Plus it’s only $18/month.

They also offer a wealth of valuable (yet free!) resources such as e-books, podcasts, blogs, statistics, email challenges, and more.

Direct Link to learn more: https://www.covenanteyes.com/how-it-works/